How to Celebrate Thanksgiving During the Deadly COVID-19 Pandemic

SATIRE

How to get around the COVID rules without getting arrested…

The year 2020 has been quite a rollercoaster for most of us in the United States, and around the world. Celebrating the holidays this year is going to be a bit different from what we have been used to. But don’t worry, we have created a basis guideline to make sure you stay safe and avoid getting in to trouble with your local government during Thanksgiving.

Remember, each state’s guidelines are different, so you need to take these suggestions with a grain of salt. Now, if you live in a state like Florida, and your county doesn’t care what you do on Thanksgiving Day, then all you have to worry about is bringing enough food for your 20 plus guests. However, if you do live in a left leaning state, perhaps like Commie-fornia, New York, Washington, etc., these tips and tricks will be perfect for you.

The first tip we have for you is to RAT OUT YOUR NEIGHBOR FIRST. This is a very crucial move when it comes to keeping the swat team from raiding your home on Thanksgiving Day. What you need to do is look for the biggest gathering you can find in your neighborhood (not yours obviously) and you call the cops and ask them to check out this LARGE gathering happening down the street. That way the cops would NEVER suspect your gathering, because you just called out someone else. The cops wouldn’t even think about looking into your family gathering. Plus, they’ll be so busy arresting your neighbors down the street, that they couldn’t possibly have enough time and energy to also arrest you and your family as well.

Number two, this kind of ties into the last one, but you have to MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR  FRIENDS AND FAMILY PARK DOWN THE STREET A BIT, AWAY FROM YOUR HOUSE. Then, you have the gathering inside your home with the blinds shut. This way, what happens is the cops will be patrolling, trying to find dangerous “super spreader dinners”, but your house will practically look abandoned compared to all these other houses. They’ll see a bunch of cars down the street and instantly go check out that side of the street. Then, they’ll probably see some neighbors having thanksgiving dinner outside, like good citizens, and the cops will check it out to make sure they’re following all the guidelines. But, there’s so many guidelines, and there’s no way anyone can follow them all. So chances are, the cops will arrest those people, and pay no attention to your secret gathering.

Our third tip for thanksgiving in 2020 is to simply… LEAVE. JUST LEAVE. FIND FRIENDS OR FAMILY THAT LIVE IN A NORMAL PEOPLE STATE, LIKE FLORIDA, AND HAVE THANKSGIVING THERE. Chances are, most states in the country have common sense leadership when it comes to COVID. Things like no statewide lockdowns, no statewide mask mandate, permission to have more than 6 family members at your thanksgiving dinner. So all you have to do is travel a state or two away. Chances are, you’ll find a loving, welcoming group of people that won’t judge you for simply wanting to celebrate the holidays as you do EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

Number four, this one is probably the hardest one to accomplish, but some of you may be able to pull it off. You need to REACH OUT TO YOUR GOVERNOR, SENATOR, MAYOR, OR ANY OTHER POLITICIAN, AND INVITE THEM TO YOUR THANKSGIVING. Make their favorite foods, give them an early Christmas present, donate to their corrupt campaign team, whatever you have to do in order to get them to your thanksgiving gathering. WHY? Because while politicians are the ones making these crazy rules, they also are the ones that are exempt from the rules. For example, if you live in California, invite Gov. Newsom to your thanksgiving. Since Newsom can’t be punished for not following his own COVID rules, your family will also not be punished for hosting thanksgiving. 

The 5th and FINAL tip we have for you today is not the hardest to accomplish, but it is the most foolproof, sort of…. We don’t actually condone doing this one, or any of these tips. If you have not realized yet, this article is SATIRE! But anyway, here’s what you do. You have your thanksgiving outside… BUT YOU MAKE SURE TO GIVE ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS THEIR VERY OWN AR-14 ASSULT WEAPON WITH A 100 ROUND GHOST CLIP THAT SHOOTS 30,000 BULLETS IN HALF A SECOND, only for the purpose of scaring the police officers away. Because, not even the S.W.A.T. team can stand up to one of these bad boys.

And there you have it, your very own guide to having an (almost) normal Thanksgiving in 2020 without getting arrested.

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